The number of amounts

Dear writers:

Did you know that you can't have an "amount" of books, turtles or comedy club performances? The word you're looking for is "number."

This one is pretty simple. If something can be numbered, it's a "number." As in, "She reduced the number of cigarettes she smoked each week."

And the number doesn't have to be in the sentence, dear writers; it doesn't even have to be known! As long as you can take the thingamabob under discussion and stick a number in front of it without it sounding insane, you've got yourself a numerable thingamabob. (Some prefer to describe it as a "thingamajig.")

If, when you try to stick a number in front of the 'bob or 'jig, you end up sounding like English is your second language, then you want to use "amount." Try, for example, having five cash, 14 water, eight soup.

Watch out for that soup thing, by the way, because you can of course have eight soups. Therefore, the restaurant increased the number of soups they serve, which is why you increased the amount of soup you eat.

That is all for now. All my love to the family.

Yours truly,
Kelly