This will *literally* take no time at all …

Welp, looks like something got my goat. I'd like to apologize to my legions of fans who were looking forward to reading about punctuation within (or without) quotation marks. Some other time.

But here's the thing. When a writer uses the word "literally," I'd estimate that eight times out of 10 it's redundant, and once in 10 it's incorrect.

Sometimes people think "literally" is just another word to add emphasis to what they're saying. Well, guess what, bucko. It's a word. Words mean things. And this one doesn't just mean "I'm a signifier that the writer is saying the following words in italics." (I was literally this close to the stage – I could literally see right up Britney Spears' dress! She is literally a 10!)

"Literally" implies two things: (1) that what you are saying has a figurative or metaphorical interpretation; and (2) that you can throw out that interpretation, because you wish to convey the literal meaning, rather than the figurative one.

Luckily for you, almost any phrase can have a figurative meaning – but come on. If you're saying that the store is "literally around the corner" from your own, how is that different from saying simply that the store is "around the corner"? Yes: if you're speaking in a global sense, Cleveland is figuratively "around the corner" from Cincinnati. But when you're talking about the local dry cleaner or adult video store, is anyone really going to mistake your "corner" for a figure of speech? Don't add an extra four syllables if your meaning is already clear.

Now for the other way people misuse "literally" – see my post title for one example and the "Britney = 10" sentence for another. In order to use "literally," your intended meaning has to be literal. There's no way my post could have actually taken no time at all, and there's no way Ms. Spears is really a 1 with a 0 next to it.

The only effective way to use "literally" is if a situation occurs which lends itself to a figure of speech, but through some twist of fate, the literal interpretation of the figure of speech also applies. Therefore, a man who is investing in breeding chickens in the hope of making some extra money to put away for the future is "creating a nest egg – literally." (You'll notice that even then, "literally" is not truly necessary. Astute readers will pick up on the double meaning without help.)

Hopefully, this post will make you so sick of looking at the word "literally" that you'll take special pains to avoid using it from now on. And just in case not ... literally literally literally literally literally!