Those pesky quotation marks

I've been seeing plenty of copy lately from writers who think that the context of a phrase determines whether it gets single or double quotes. These writers put direct quotes from sources in double quotes; they put phrases that use quotation marks for some other reason (nicknames, sarcasm, unusual phrases, cuteness, etc.) in single quotes.

It's a nice idea, and apparently grammarians throughout history have experimented with something similar (see Eats, Shoots and Leaves), but it is, ultimately, incorrect.

Here's the rule for quotes (in America; in Britain, where they drive on the wrong side of the road, it only makes sense that they'd be backwards in their grammar rules as well). Always, always, always use double quotes, regardless of context. "But then when do I use single quotes?" I can hear you saying. Well, I'll tell you:

"You use 'single quote marks' when there is something quote-worthy 'inside' the already-quoted material. This rule is also context-free; it works the same way whether I'm telling you that Katie said, 'We should go to that bangin' party!' or I'm talking about something 'cutesy.'" (Actually, I think the majority of cutesy phrases don't need any quotation marks at all, but that's a subject for another post.)

Now, let's say that, for some reason, your quote is so very convoluted and postmodern that you need to put ANOTHER quoted phrase within the quotes that are within the quotes (and considering that your story itself could also be seen as one long quote, within which you the writer are talking to the reader and giving her the story, we're beginning to reach levels of hearsay rivaled only by high-school girls trying to find out if that boy in study hall is into them. Try not to let it happen). But say it's necessary. The quote within the already-single-quoted material will be in double quotes. Double, single, double, single. I say: "He said, 'She said, "He totally thinks Kelly's cute!"'" (All right! I better go put on some more lip gloss before study hall!)

Next time (unless something really gets my goat and I have to write about it instead): Punctuation and the Quote.